


Memory Cell

by ImpishFics



Series: Trust Fall [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kissing, M/M, Mentioned Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Mentioned Zhong Chen Le, Skater Na Jaemin, bc at this point i cant NOT mention it, but they gotta happen, finally jisungs here, he's got allergies baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24236809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImpishFics/pseuds/ImpishFics
Summary: "So are these pots just like. All mine now? We bought them together." Jaemin shrugs."I don't think you have to ask him. But I think it's probably good form. Do you have a bunch of his other stuff?" Jaemin watches Renjun look around, beyond his half empty kitchen box to the rest of his stuff around his school flat. Renjun and Jeno were going to live together again, but obviously that got changed so now Renjun is stuck in a suite with some mysterious freshman with a medical single for severe allergies to basically everything. Renjun's eyes settle back on the non-stick pan in his hand."Some stuff." He huffs. "I'll give it back. Just. Not yet."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, past Huang Ren Jun/ Lee Jeno
Series: Trust Fall [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1722658
Comments: 22
Kudos: 122





	Memory Cell

**Author's Note:**

> This story, unlike previous installments, is told from Jaemin's POV
> 
> Disclaimer: Jaemin likes science in this fic and makes some references to specific concepts and theories, I tried to research but I am not an expert at all so I'm sorry if anything is inaccurate. 
> 
> Big thank you to Eli for all the help throughout this!!

-August 26th -Move in day

"Do you think Jeno wants some of these pots and pans?" Jaemin looks up at him, from where he's sorting Renjun's big blue duffel of clothes into his drawers, folding them before he puts them in. Jaemin hangs most of his clothes, and the ones that end up in his drawers he definitely doesn't fold. But Renjun does fold his clothes, so now here Jaemin is, trying his best to fold Renjun's clothes. Renjun will probably re-do this later anyway. 

"I don't know, did he text you?" Renjun shrugs.

"I don't know."

"How do you not know? it's a yes or no question." Renjun shrugs again and it's less relaxed than before, there's more tension between Renjun's slim shoulders. A couple weeks ago Jaemin would have already stopped, but now he knows better, that sometimes pushing Renjun is good, for both of them. In the same way Renjun pushes Jaemin, takes things he tries to play off as a joke seriously, makes him talk about them. It's good. It's hard, but it's good.

"I don't know, I blocked him. I have no clue if he's tried texting me." Jaemin fumbles with the shirt in his hands, it falls out of the fold, he has to re-do it. Why does Renjun own more than one blue polo? Whatever he looks good in them. Wait.

"You blocked him?" Jaemin doesn't know why he's surprised, it's probably good that he blocked him, that way Jeno can't try and convince Renjun to come back to him. Not that Jeno is very manipulative but still, it's good that it's not an option.

"Yeah. He messaged me about being friends and I don't know. I blocked him a couple weeks ago." Jaemin schools his facial expression.

"That makes sense."

"So are these pots just like. All mine now? We bought them together." Jaemin shrugs.

"I don't think you  _ have  _ to ask him. But I think it's probably good form. Do you have a bunch of his other stuff?" Jaemin watches Renjun look around, beyond his half empty kitchen box to the rest of his stuff around his school flat. Renjun and Jeno were going to live together again, but obviously that got changed so now Renjun is stuck in a suite with some mysterious freshman with a medical single for severe allergies to basically everything. Renjun swore it was worth it to give up fish, and peanuts, and tree nuts, and eggs, and all his fancy cologne in order to not have to share an actual room with someone but Jaemin is not so sure. Jaemin eats a lot of pb&j. Renjun's eyes settle back on the non-stick pan in his hand.

"Some stuff." He huffs. "I'll give it back. Just. Not yet."

\- September 23th

Allergy boy, turns out to be named Jisung and he's actually pretty nice if a little shy, and allergic to even more things than his housing form said, but he doesn't make Renjun throw out his gluten or his soy which is nice of him. He spends most of his time inside his room, he does some STEM thing that Jaemin doesn't actually understand despite Jaemin also being in STEM. STEM is a broad category and Jaemin doesn't actually care about most of it outside of microbiology. 

Jisung spends most of his time in his room, either doing school work, his job, which is updating the school website and patching the constantly breaking virtual tours, or attending his online class. Why even go to college if only two of his classes are in person? Anyway, with Jisung always in his room Jaemin can spend most of his time in their living room without feeling self conscious. Jaemin has his own room, but his roommates are always home, and also he  _ lives _ there and as much as Renjun rolls his eyes at him for it Jaemin simply  _ can't _ focus at home, he needs the air from the walk to Jisung and Renjun's slightly farther dorm, and the change of scenery, and the hundreds of plants Jisung owns despite definitely also having a pollen allergy. If Jisung was one of the seven dwarfs (which he could never be, the kid is HUGE) he would definitely be sneezy.

After four hours in a lab twice a week Jaemin  _ needs _ to unwind on a couch not covered in his roommates rejected outfit combinations and chip crumbs. He needs to sit on Renjun’s couch and eat some of the gluten free pretzels Jisung’s mom sends in care packages that he doesn’t eat. 

So, naturally after Jaemin’s lab on Thursday he heads to Renjun and Jisung’s apartment. Renjun didn’t give him his code at first, but Jisung did, the third time he had to let Jaemin in on the first week, just asked him for his number and sent him a text with his code to their apartment. Their RA had decorated every door with different super heros, but seemingly ran out when they got to their door. Renjun’s name is next to a picture of Hellboy and Jisung is Matilda, it’s sort of fitting. When Jaemin gets there, he taps in the code on the keypad outside their door, 4667 and the little melodical beep announces his arrival. 

The place is empty when he enters, Renjun will probably get home soon, maybe they can make dinner, cooking between them is a competition that just ends in lots of food for both of them. He immediately heads to the small kitchen to wash his hands, he’s coming from a lab, so he’s technically very sterile right now, but it’s become a habit to wash his hands every time he comes in just to be safe. Jisung hasn’t said anything but Renjun and Jaemin both would rather chop off all their toes one at a time than cause Jisung to have an allergic reaction in his own home. It’s common decency really. Jisung pokes his head out of his room, not unlike a meerkat when Jaemin sits down on the couch. 

“Oh cool it’s you.” he looks relieved, which is flattering, but also not what Jaemin expected someone’s reaction would be to someone on their couch uninvited.

“What’s up, did you think I was an intruder?” Jisung shrugs in a way that could mean, I don’t know or yeah. 

“I mean you had a code so I wasn’t that worried about it. If anything you might have been campus safety here to confiscate Renjun’s bong.” Jaemin laughs. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen them confiscate anything from anyone, except my skateboard freshman year.” Jisung sort of pouts his lips and nods like he gets it. Jisung definitely doesn’t get it but Jaemin likes him anyway. 

“Oh! Do you like gummies?” Jaemin nods and Jisung disappears into his room and comes out a minute later, wearing sweatpants and a PacMan shirt, arms full of small packages. He dumps them on the couch next to Jaemin, Jaemin picks one up, it's a small bag of what looks like heart gummy candy in a language Jaemin can’t read. He’s embarrassed that he can’t tell if it's Chinese or Japanese characters, he can ask Renjun when he comes back.

“What are these?” Jisung shrugs.

“Gummies? I think they are cherry? Or watermelon? Or maybe strawberry? I don’t know, I can’t eat gelatin.” 

“No, I mean why do you have them if you can't eat gelatin?” Jisung laughs and blushes. 

“Someone keeps leaving them on my seat before one of my classes with a little drawing, and I can't like, say no? Because they aren’t there? And also it’s nice of them. But uh, I can’t eat them.” Jaemin lets out a short mischievous laugh and leans forward.

“Ohhhhh someone has a crush on you!” 

“No!” 

“Yes! Someone has a crush on little Jisungie! Who is it? Do you know?” Jisung stutters and Jaemin continues on because pestering people is one of his greatest talents, “Is there someone in that class you want it to be?” This only makes him blush and stammer more, his face flushing rapidly for words that have deserted him. Jaemin is about to push more but the door jingles, announcing Renjun’s arrival and Jisung uses it as an opportunity to escape while Jaemin is distracted. 

Renjun drops a box full of materials on the table and raises his eyebrows at Jaemin as he washed his hands. “What’s all that.” 

“Jisung has a secret admirer,” he chucks one of the candy bags at Renjun who catches it with still wet hands, “hey is this Japanese or Chinese?” Renjun squints at it for a second before answering. 

“It’s definitely not Chinese, it’s gotta be Japanese. I think I’ve seen these at Daiso too.” He tries one, Jaemin hasn’t tried one and his eyes screw shut, “Woah is so  _ sweet _ ugh.” Jaemin, intrigued, tries one, and Renjun’s right it  _ is _ sweet, Jaemin loves it, likes the sugar melting on his tongue with a short lived watermelon aftertaste. He’s glad it's not strawberry.

“Oh these fucking smack.” Renjun rolls his eyes. 

“Of course  _ you _ would like it Mr. 100% sugar.” 

“It’s good!” Jaemin defends, even if Renjun is right, he knows he has extreme tastes in things. All in or all out. As bitter as it can get, or as sweet. Skateboarding or immunology. No one or his best friend’s boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Ex-best friend?

He hasn’t talked to Jeno in a while. They keep the snapchat streak alive though, 500 days and all that. Jeno’s streaks have Donghyuck in them more, it’s nothing so obnoxious as kissing or even holding hands, no one who didn’t know that they were together would  _ know _ that they’re  _ together _ , but it still tugs at something ugly in Jaemin. Pictures of them playing video games, a video of Donghyuck tripping down the stairs, and now that they are back at school Donghyuck goofing off over facetime not realizing he’s being filmed. It’s not like he’s sending this to Renjun, it’s not like it’s bragging, but still it feels wrong, that they should be so… okay. That Jeno should be so… happy. But isn’t Jeno his best friend? Doesn’t Jeno still deserve to be happy?

It’s not like Renjun is sad every second or even every day, he’s happy and alive and sarcastic and playfully mean more than he’s heartbroken or anything else but it still hits. And it’s still their fault. That's the thing isn’t it, at the end of the day Jaemin can still draw a line between cause and effect, he’s a man of science and this experiment is one that no matter how much replication, always ends up the same way, Renjun heart broken. And Jeno gets to be happy with a different boy in his arms. And fuck, Jaemin might not have liked it when they were together for very different reasons, but he didn’t want this. This is worse. He feels five years old on the playground, crying to an adult, “It isn't  _ fair _ .” 

And it hurts to see Donghyuck so happy, because he’s seen Jeno happy, he’s seen how he gets, but he’s never seen Donghyuck like this. Even if it’s through a screen he’s lighter somehow, laughing easier and harder, ‘he’s in love,’ a traitorous part of his brain whispers and it hurts, because Hyuck deserves love. But not. But not like this. That same traitorous part of his brain whispers again, ‘what if it’s the only way he can get it?’ Jaemin should turn his brain off, count to thirty, and restart it.

Thinking about Jeno is hard because it’s not just this, him and Renjun, he’s known Jeno longer than he’s known Renjun. Longer than he’s felt whatever he feels about Renjun. Everything it compounded on years of memories, of laser tag in middle school and sleepovers in his basement, of that time they went camping and lost their dads and were stuck apart from them in a cave waiting for the rain to stop. There's just so much, but also there's this: cooking with Renjun, being in his space, teaching him how to tread water, picking up the pieces. 

It used to be Jeno and Renjun, you couldn’t have one without the other, where one went the other followed, in his head, they existed together. Jeno was his best friend who was always wrapped around Renjun, and Renjun was something he wasn’t supposed to think about so much who was tangled in a mess of Jeno. And now, in Renjun’s kitchen it sometimes still feels hard to separate them. This is Renjun who Jeno  _ did _ love, this is Renjun who Jeno asked to the prom, this is Renjun who kissed Jeno at Jaemin’s New Year's Eve party two years in a row, this is Renjun who’s heart Jeno broke. But this Renjun isn’t Jeno’s. 

Renjun waves sweatshirt covered hands in front of his face, “Hello! Earth to Jaemin!” Jaemin flinches and snaps out of it. “Dude, where did you go?”

“Sorry, I’m tired from my lab.” 

“Did you find the cure for cancer yet?” Renjun flops on the couch next to Jaemin and pulls the too large hem of the hoodie over his tucked legs. Huh. 

“What?” Renjun pokes him playfully and Jaemin knows that hoodie. 

“The cure for cancer, did you find it yet?”

“Is that Jeno’s hoodie?” 

“What?” It’s not the answer Renjun is expecting, which might be fair because Jaemin didn’t actually answer his question; he's too distracted. Renjun looks down and untucks his feet, smooths over the hem. “Yeah.” It’s a quiet affirmation. Something a lot like jealousy, a little like betrayal, a little like frustration fish hooks together in Jaemin’s gut like a horrible chemical synthesis. He suppresses it. 

“Why?” Renjun’s face does a lot of things, Jaemin doesn’t look away, doesn’t give him an out. 

“Because I woke up late today and I didn’t have time to change.”

“You slept in it?” Incredulity threatens to crawl up his throat. Jaemin pushes it down with an iron poker.

“Sometimes. When I’m sad or, I just,” he stops and shakes out his hands before restarting, “I wanted to feel safe, and held and I used to feel so cute when I wore his clothes I used to just. I wanted some of that. And maybe to hurt myself a little too. And I guess at a certain point I forgot.” Jaemin doesn’t say anything, he looks away, looks forward. Looks at the gummy heart in his hand. He eats it, the sugar washes over his tongue. Renjun gets up slowly and walks to his room, a minute later he emerges in his own shirt hoodie bundled in his hand. “I should give him back his stuff, huh?”

About fifty things flit across Jaemin's mind, he settles on, “At least for your own sake.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhgg” Renjun groans, “I don’t  _ want _ to have to see him” Jaemin laughs a little at his whining, “It’s gonna suck and then he’s gonna look at me and be  _ sad  _ and then I won’t know what to do and it will be worse if he  _ doesn’t _ look sad, because like, what do I do then? Fight him more?” Jaemin isn’t laughing anymore. “What if I see him and I- I mean I trust myself I know I’ll be fine but I. It’s going to hurt, and I’m so sick of being hurt by him.” 

“I could do it for you. Give the stuff back.”

-October 4th

Jeno found a roommate too it seems like. Their RA has gone with a theme of those horrible medieval cat paintings, Jeno’s is an incredibly cursed tabby and according to the door his roommate is a cat that looks like a stoned creature from where the wild things are, named Chenle. Is Jaemin the only person without a fun RA? The box is heavy in his arms, requiring two hands. He has to put it down to knock and bend over to pick it up again after. Jeno opens the door while he’s standing up.

When Jaemin finishes standing, they are too close, the box the only thing between them. Jeno takes a step back into the room. Jaemin doesn't try to follow him or invite himself inside.

"Hey, what's up?" Jeno asks his voice lilts in the same way it always has, a familiar question, a new location. Jaemin has to consciously remind the little voice in his head that the box in his hands is just a box, not a metaphor for things in between them, not the physical manifestation of obstacles in their path, or tensions because the box is real and has weight and the flap of the cardboard is ripping from the weight of all these damn pots and pans and nothing else. Jaemin shrugs, it's sort of awkward with the block in his arms, but Jaemin has never shied from awkward.

"I was in the neighborhood, had something to give you anyway." Jeno steps aside.

"Well by all means come in, I would offer you a beer but," he checks his phone, "it's like three, so," he smiles back at Jaemin, that smile that makes him looks like his partner in crime and sort of like a Kennedy, "can I offer you a Capri Sun?"

"Sure," and Jaemin smiles, but he doesn't have the smile of a Kennedy, he smiles something more crooked, something more like a mall santa than like any president. The Capri Sun tastes like kiwi-strawberry, and summers when they were little, chalk on sidewalk, playing in the abandoned tree houses in the woods, launching each other on the sea-saw, swimming in the lake off the dirt shore under Jeno's house. The same place he swam after Renjun. The same place he watched Renjun fall.

"How have you been, man?" Jeno sits in his desk chair. He doesn't live in a suite style, just a regular double, if not a little bigger than the one Jaemin had his freshman year. Jaemin takes the bed, leaning back against the wall on the end. Jeno's roommate doesn't look very clean but not quite dirty either, just filled with nick knacks, small touches alluding to a home that isn't this room. They have lights around the room, and three kites taped on the wall above his roommate's bed like decoration, and there's even a half sized fridge with a Keurig and a Brita on top of it between their beds.

Behind Jeno's own bed there's a corkboard, one he's had since freshman year but the pictures change. His family on their spring break trip last year, his older sister giving him a noogie that she has to stand on tip toes to complete. Jeno as a kid sitting with his grandfather at a diner in there hometown, smiling matching wide crinkle eyed smiles. Postcards from his dad's business trips, and a map from the trails he hiked the summer after he graduated high school, some of those trails they hiked together. A picture of them on the first day of middle school. A picture of them on the last day of high school. An invitation to their senior prom, but no prom pictures. A picture of them, Jaemin, Hyuck, Jeno, Renjun and Mark at graduation. It's the only photo of Renjun. And there, at the bottom, left closest to Jeno's pillow was a picture of Hyuck, taken at night in the flash of a disposable camera, laughing with one of Jeno's cats startled and frozen in his lap. Jaemin reaches out a hand and pauses before he reaches it, he redirects it to the picture of them on the first day of middle school, and he lets his finger trace over it, over them.

"You know. Dying in my labs, eternally fighting my advisor. Getting busted by campus safety for riding. The usual.” It’s not a lie, but it’s not everything. He doesn’t say that he spends more time at Renjun’s dorm than his own, he doesn’t say that he made lasagna the other day with Renjun even though Renjun doesn’t like lasagna and he’s lactose intolerant. He doesn’t say he’s watched most of Arrested Development sitting on Renjun’s bed. 

Jeno shrugs, “I’ve been better, but I'm okay. I’ve missed you, man.” Jeno doesn’t lie, except he does. He totally does. And he cheats. And Jaemin doesn’t have the right to be mad at him, he’s not some up right, virtuous, moral guy. He lies, to his parents to his teachers, he cheated on every french test he took sophomore year of high school, he scatters when the police showed up at parties. Jaemin has ghosted people, let them talk to a brick wall. He had his suspicions about Jeno, he knew  _ something _ was up and he said nothing. 

Jaemin doesn’t have the  _ right _ to be mad at Jeno, and yet he is anyway, and it’s tangled in the same old shame and jealousy. Of everything he’s thought about Renjun for years, back when it was just jealousy, of Jeno the perfect rich boyfriend, and contempt for himself for thinking about his best friend's boyfriend, because seriously who  _ does _ that. Who looks at their best friend, practically their brother and resents them for having something that they don’t? No, Jaemin isn’t mad because Jeno cheated, maybe if it was someone else he would be disappointed in him or even disgusted, but he's not that, he’s angry and hurt because this isn’t someone else. It’s Renjun. 

“I didn’t really know what to say to you.” 

“I would have loved a ‘hey’.” Jaemin laughs a little, and it comes out meaner than he meant it too. He can’t bring himself to regret it.

“Hey Jeno, how are things with Hyuck?” Jeno grimaces and it’s not a good look on him.

“I figured this was what this was about.” He sounds so resigned Jaemin can’t help but let some of the anger leak out of him. Jaemin is so bad at anger. 

“What else would it be about dude. You hurt my friends. Both of them. I’m surprised you spared Mark.” 

“I guess he’s just not my type.” Jaemin doesn’t laugh, even though he kinda wants to. Jeno takes a breath and looks up at the ceiling, Jaemin doesn’t look away. Jaemin makes himself look at people even when it makes things harder. “Fuck, c’mon Nana we know this isn’t about that. This isn’t about me hurting Hyuck’s feelings, you don’t care. You haven’t reached out to him, I asked.” He’s right, he thinks about Hyuck sometimes but he also thinks, at least partially, this is Hyuck’s fault too. Jeno looks down, back at Jaemin and his eyes are steel, “This is about Renjun.” What is Jaemin supposed to say to that?

“Dude, you cheated on him. He’s my friend too.” Jeno smiles, but not a pretty one. 

“Yeah, but I'm your best friend. I’m supposed to be. It’s because it was Renjun. Because you always wanted him.” And now Jaemin’s getting angry. He can feel it ugly and bunched in his jaw and tongue, pricking like brambles at his wrists and temples begging him to scratch.

“Fuck off Jeno, don’t try and pass guilt it’s not a good look on you.” How many bad looks has Jaemin seen on Jeno today?

“No you’re right, I did a bad thing, I fucked up I’ll admit that. But don’t act like you don’t care more because it's Renjun. I knew you liked him.”

“You knew?” 

“I’m not a microbiology major Jaemin, but i’m not dumb. I could see the way you looked at him, I saw when no one’s opinion mattered but his, when no one’s joke was funny but his. When something funny happened during a movie you searched for his reaction. I knew, but contrary to what everyone is probably thinking right now,” Jeno laughs a little and it's wet and full of equal parts self-pity, and self hate, it's a corrosive mixture. Jaemin wishes he knew Jeno a little less, wishes he loved him a little less, so this wouldn’t be so clear to him. “Despite that, i’m not a total asshole. I wasn’t going to say anything. I felt like, if I said anything it would look like I was bragging and it was just so sad.” 

Jaemin doesn’t say anything, doesn’t interrupt. He makes himself look at Jeno’s face, it’s so familiar to him, but this expression is new, one he hasn’t seen before. Jeno keeps going. 

“It was sad, Jaemin. And this is sad too. You’re not just mad because I hurt your friends, and I did, I did hurt them, but that’s not why you’re mad. If you’re mad at me, if you stop talking to me and seeing me, then you don’t have to look at me. Because I know you Jaemin, I know that this whole time you’ve been thinking that you know me, but knowing is a two way street and I know you. I know that when you look at me, you would have to admit that you aren’t mad because I’m a cheater, you would have to admit that you’re mad that I hurt Renjun, that I had what you always wanted and I fucked it up. That Renjun loved me first.” 

“You’re right, you fucked up, because he trusted you dude, and then you got greedy and decided it wasn’t enough. You know me and I know you and I know right now you fucking hate yourself, because you think life's a story for the first time in your life  _ you _ are the bad guy, not your shitty dad, or anyone else, you did this, and-” Jeno cuts Jaemin off. 

“I did this! I did this and secretly deep down past all your humanitarian, good neighbor, change.org bullshit, you know that you're grateful. Because now, you get a chance with him. You look at me and you think you aren’t just a good friend, you aren’t just a good person, you aren’t doing this out of the goodness of your heart. You are doing this because you love him, and you finally get a shot. You look at me and you can’t pretend to be the hero anymore.”

There’s power in knowing someone. Jaemin looks at Jeno, and he knows him, and he knows he’s not evil. He’s stupid. He’s hurting. He’s not a very good friend. He’s right. 

Jaemin can’t say what he would do if this had happened and he didn’t want Renjun, because he does, he always has. He wants Renjun. 

“I’m not the hero, and you’re not the villain and Renjun isn’t some damsel in distress. He’s Renjun, someone you loved, someone you trusted, our friend, Renjun, and you ruined that. It’s all ruined and you can’t blame anyone else, it’s not like you can’t blame Donghyuck, and you certainly can’t blame Renjun and so you try and blame me. Because you’re so sick of hating yourself. So stop. Figure your shit out, stop trying to find blame and just like.” Jaemin twists his fingers through his hair, accidentally pulling some out as he goes. He’s so bad at being mad. “Just do better. Be a better boyfriend to Hyuck, move forward dude.” 

Jaemin kicks the box towards him, closer to the desk, it rumbles and shakes, "And take your shit back." Jeno opens it, and he makes a face. If this was Mark's room there would have been music playing when he got in, and it would keep playing and fill the silences, buoy them on meter and time and rhythm. If this was Donghyuck's room he would be humming, a song or a tune, something he heard from TV or the radio, or an old favorite twisted slightly. If this was Renjun's room there would be a show on in the background, that no one would be watching. But this isn't any of their rooms, this is Jeno's room, silences exist and aren't filled. It was always something they had in common, the ability to float in the moments between conversation, they didn't have to "pick up" conversations because they didn't quite fall away, didn't ever get too distant despite the silence between them.

This silence doesn't float. It is filled with the sounds of Jeno opening the box, a cardboard skeleton from an online order of Jisung's. Computer parts. Now it's full of carefully picked treasures, two pans, a pot burned on the bottom, four sweatshirts folded too carefully, a pair of earbuds that were lent only to be forgotten, a copy of mario kart 8, at the bottom a pair of grey Adidas basketball shorts. It's the world's saddest show and tell. Jeno's voice has all the strength of a saltine cracker, cracking at use.

"He didn't want to come?"

"It would've hurt too much."

"He didn't have to give back the sweatshirts." Jaemin is resolute but not unkind.

"He did." Jeno makes a noise that’s small and broken, but Jaemin continues. "He needed to, to get over you. He's trying to move on, you should too." Jaemin doesn't look away because Jaemin doesn't look away, it's just not something he does. He can watch the moment it hits Jeno, his shoulders crumple, his chest heaves, and he pulls a sweatshirt, his own sweatshirt folded per the Marie Kondo method like all of Renjun's clothes, closer to his chest. Jaemin watches it wash over him and it's Jeno. It's his best friend. Seventh grade Jeno who didn’t make it to the state team when all of his friends did. Freshman year Jeno when his cat, the one he had since he was four, was struck by a car outside his house. Jeno's dad, sick on the table, an unsteady heartbeat, shut eyes, only to wake up meaner. The Jeno in front of one is one that he knows, this face, this pain is finally something Jaemin can recognize. Jaemin knows Jeno, knows what grieving looks like on him. His hand aches to squeeze his shoulder, but he stops himself. And then he stops stopping himself.

His hand lands heavy and awkward on Jeno's shoulder but it lands still. Jeno startles and looks up at Jaemin, eyes wide and startled, not quite crying but wet and vulnerable. Jaemin squeezes his shoulder like he has before and then does Jeno start crying. Jaemin rubs his back, curse his bleeding heart. Jeno cries for a few minutes, until he looks at the ceiling and breathes deeply, not very patient with his own emotions. His tears slow, his breaths come more evenly, he gets himself in order. He unfolds the sweatshirt on his lap, it's tearstained, but before that it was clean, freshly laundered, smelling more like Tide Free and Gentle than either Renjun or Jeno. Jeno smoothes it out and refolds it, differently, less complexly, he tucks the hood in. Creature comforts.

"Thank you. For bringing everything over, and. For saying what I needed to hear. And for being here." Jaemin doesn't say, 'no problem', doesn't say 'don't worry about it.' He thinks about saying 'you're welcome' but he doesn't in the end. This was an ordeal, this sucked, but he didn't do it because it was the right thing to do. Talking to Jeno isn't just the high road.

"I should have come sooner." It's the truth. It wouldn't have hurt any less.

"Are we. Are you getting over me too? are you moving on too?" and for the first time in this conversation Jaemin looks at Jeno and he doesn't see Jeno, he sees himself, fourteen. He sees himself after their first ever real fight standing on Jeno's doorstep, rumpled and scraped up from a fall on his ride over, skateboard clutched tight to his chest, more distraught than he remembers feeling for a friend, asking in an unsteady voice, "are we still best friends?"

"No." A sigh of relief, one that Jaemin feels too, "but I think we need some time. Keep the streak alive-" Jeno laughs wetly, "but, maybe take a step back. So you can move on, do what you have to do. Grow a little, and I'll grow too. and maybe after a little but we can come back together, see if that's good." Jaemin in moments like this, sometimes feels like a child, trying very hard to be an adult.

"So like, a step back? This feels like a breakup." Jaemin laughs with him, because he's right, it does.

"It'll be fine. Maybe at winter break, we can check back in. I would hate to miss your mom's Christmas party, her cookies are like the highlight of the season."

"What if we both grow, but we only grow more apart? What if we stop fitting together?"

Jaemin swallows and his throat is thick, memories and anxieties curl around each other like monkeys in a barrel, locking together. "Then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess."

Jaemin squeezes him one more time and gets up to go. Jeno stands to, the sweatshirt falls out of his lap, he’ll have to refold it. Again. Jaemin opens the door, Jeno catches it. 

“You are a good person Jaemin, ignore what I said, I knew that would hurt that that's the only reason I said it, because I’m not a good person and it’s not true. You’re a good person Jaemin, and a good friend.” 

-October 4th - After

Jaemin doesn’t want to go home after Jeno’s, so he walks around, he doesn’t realize his feet have led him to Renjun’s door until he’s standing in front of it, looking at Matilda’s face. Huh. He punches in the code and lets himself in, Renjun and Jisung are on the couch together, it’s a surprise to see Jisung out of his room for once. 

“Good you're here, come and beat Jisung at Mario Kart he’s bullying me.” Jaemin breathes a little easier and washes his hands. 

“What? No hello?”

“Hi Jaemin, please come kick this child’s ass in Mario Kart.” Jisung squeaks indignantly but Jaemin’s already laughing. He sits next to Renjun, and Renjun knocks their shoulders together, less violently than usual, and hands him the controller. Jaemin takes over but it’s sort of helpless the best he can do on this course is bring Renjun’s Dry Bones character to fourth, he buckles down for the next course. While Jisung picks the next course Renjun bumps his shoulder into Jaemin’s again, and asks softly, “doing okay?”

Jaemin bumps him back, and doesn’t even think about lying, “better by the second.” 

-October 19th

“It’s not a very good surprise if you make me drive us there.” Renjun rolls his eyes in the passenger seat, his legs propped on Jaemin’s dashboard like he owns the damn place. Jaemin likes him so much. 

“Yeah well, you're the one who said I’m not allowed to drive your car, and you’re crazy if you think I’m ubering your ass anywhere.” 

“Your permit expired two years ago!”

“Yeah but I’m a good driver.” 

“Even if I did believe you, which I don't, it would sti-” Renjun cuts him off. 

“This is your right.” He nods ahead, Jaemin swears and narrowly avoids crashing as he cuts through three lanes of traffic to make his damn right. 

“Are you trying to get us killed?” Jaemin asks, as if he isn’t laughing, feeling a little high off adrenaline. 

“Maybe if you were a more  _ experienced _ driver that wouldn’t have been so hard.” 

“Asshole.” Renjun only hums, like he agrees. And then a minute later he speaks up. 

“Okay up here at the end of the block there should be parking.” 

“Thank god we’ve been in the car for a million years, I didn’t realize you were trying to kidnap me when you said you had a surprise.” Jaemin whines, but he can’t fully stop smiling to commit to it. It’s Thursday morning, one of the rare times in the week where they are both free of class, Renjun doesn’t have any classes and Jaemin doesn’t have anything until study group at seven.

“It’s been less than fifty minutes you big baby.” Jaemin pulls into one of the first spots he sees, even though it’s going to be a long walk. Parking is hard. Renjun, mercifully, doesn’t comment on it. 

“Awww, I’m your baby?” Jaemin flutters his eyelashes at Renjun. Renjun rolls his eyes but grabs his arm, always so forceful, and pulls him forward. 

“Oh shut up.” Jaemin does because it’s easier to smile and let Renjun pull him forward closer to the strip mall. Finally, he stops and Jaemin looks up, and oh. Jaemin isn't sure what he was expecting, maybe a restaurant for them to try or a thrift store but when he looks up he’s struck by a wave of something, something strong. 

“Sidewayz Indoor Skate Park,” he reads allowed and he turns to Renjun, whose eyes are hopeful and smile is tentative and arms still wrapped around his own. Jaemin likes him so much. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god my boards in the car.” Renjun stays where he is while Jaemin sprints back to grab his board from the trunk, and ride it back, the vibrations that spread through his shins buzz like an old friend. He stops in front of Renjun and jumps off to hug him, which makes him squeak a surprised little sound. “Thank you thank you thank you I don’t know why I never thought of this.” 

“I’ve been telling you, I’m the brains in this relationship.” Jaemin’s heart flutters traitorously, but he pushes it down, Renjun continues like he didn’t say anything monumental, because to Renjun he probably didn’t. “It’s ten now, school doesn’t get off until three, you have five hours of child free skating bud.” Jaemin can’t even think about that, he can only pull Renjun forward. Renjun who did this for Jaemin, not because he owed him it, not because Jaeming annoyed him into it, but because he wanted to. Jaemin likes him so much. 

“You wanna learn how to do an ollie?” Renjun laughs and lets Jaemin pull him inside into the blast of air conditioning. 

“Sure, If you think you got the skills to teach me.” 

-November 8th 

Renjun laughs at Jaemin some more from where he’s sitting on his bed, chips forgotten in his lap, while Jaemin performs. It doesn’t look like mourning but it is. Jaemin has just failed, spectacularly, every conclusion he drew was wrong, he’s never in his life bombed an assessment so fantastically, so completely, and when Renjun found him, moping in the commons, he’d dragged him home to commiserate. A beer, his favorite Fritos, his favorite music blaring through Renjun’s speakers. Renjun’s eyes on him. He’s feeling better already. 

“Leave it to you to be into midwestern emo rock.” Jaemin ignores him and keeps jumping, lets the Remo Drive flow through him, anger and disappointment and a beat to jump around to. The song changes and Jaemin laughs, because it’s just so perfect, the reverb building until the drums crash in. He hams it up, banging his head to the relentless growing drums just to make Renjun laugh until he stops suddenly on a hairpin and sings along with the lyrics. 

“ Look around in awe, no sound/ A sea of bodies,/ Great view, feet on the ground/ My label peeling.” He dances forward, letting his voice crack over the words, he’s no singer, but he doesn’t need to be. These songs are more about a cacophony of raw truth than anything sweet.

He’s close to the bed now, an arms length from Renjun, he crawls forward until he’s even closer, until he’s touching Renjun’s freshly dyed rainbow hair, “Art school/ Colored hair” he follows Renjun’s jaw down, tracing under his chin, “Too cool/For me but that's fair.” Jaemin shrugs, and jumps back and dances around to the rest of the song. Renjun isn’t laughing at him, Jaemin doesn’t really care. He screams the lyrics, and jumps around and when the drums cut, and just the guitar is left swelling softly with everything else he breathes, and pants flushed and gasping for breath and staring at Renjun on the bed. Renjun’s hair is like a prism, like something made of light, and right now, a little frizzy, it floats around his head. Cheorry did a great job dyeing it. Renjun’s just looking at him. Jaemin looks back and pants, when Blue Ribbon starts up Jaemin doesn’t sing along. 

Renjun moves the chips from his lap, and scoots forward. Jaemin pauses, the one beer he drank isn’t enough. Renjun steps forward and his hand trails down Jaemin’s hip, everything freezes, time stops, Jaemin is the picture of stillness. And then Renjun pulls his phone from his pocket, opens it, taps around until the song changes, before sliding it back into Jaemin’s pocket and stepping back, like he did nothing at all. It’s a song he hasn’t heard in a while, not since highschool on the rare occasion he would be given the aux. Born ruffians swells around him a chant of “thank you very much” but Jaemin’s eyes are still on Renjun. 

Renjun grabs a hand only to pull Jaemin around. He’s grinning something small and mischievous, something that means he’s about to get his way. He lets go and takes a step back, putting a few feet between them. Jaemin remembers to breathe. 

“No more sad shit.” Renjun admonishes and when the next line comes. Renjun sings with it. Renjun can actually sing, unlike Jaemin, but he doesn’t. Instead he shouts the lyrics triumphantly and begins to jump, undignified and definitely pissing off his downstairs neighbors. “Eat shit we did it!” 

Jaemin laughs, but it’s not enough for Renjun. Renjun grabs his hands until they are dancing together, yelling together, “Eat shit we did it!” and even if this is supposed to be mourning, even if Jaemin might get a C, even if Renjun is alone, even if Jaemin might lose his bestfriend, it’s still true. They did it. They are still standing. 

The song fades with a crash of symbols and Jaemin collapses against the bed, exhausted. Renjun keeps dancing, he’s not done yet and Jaemin’s content to watch him. 

In immunology, the Danger Model suggests that the body doesn’t distinguish between natural and foreign but between danger and non dangerous by measuring the response of cells and tissue to the molecules. It’s why the immune system can still fight off cell death that occurs without a foreign introduction into the body. It's the same reason the immune system doesn’t recognize tumors with transformed cells as something to fight. Transformed cells grow but don’t give off danger signals. A tumor is one of the most dangerous things that can grow in the body, but the body can’t recognize it as dangerous only as growth. Jaemin has watched it happen under a microscope. Jaemin recognizes it now, Renjun is dancing and singing and the thing in Jaemin’s chest is only growing, growing, and growing and someday it might kill him. But his heart can’t see the problem, can’t see the danger because it feels so good, because his heart doesn’t believe that something deadly can feel like this, and so there's nothing he can do to stop it. 

The song fades out and it’s Coin, Talk Too Much. Renjun knows every word. The first verse finishes and Renjun takes a step forward and another until he’s in front of Jaemin, standing between his legs. “You know,” and he changes the lyrics, the song sings “I” but Renjun sings “you talk too much.” And Jaemin is sure the song goes on, but he can’t process it, can't think of anything else in the world because suddenly his lap is full of Renjun, and his lips are Crushed against Renjun’s and his mind is Renjun Renjun Renjun. 

Renjun’s lips open and Jaemin can't help but sigh into it, to pull him closer and whine into his heat. He kisses him back because it doesn't feel real, it feels too good, a perfect clumsy slide of chapped lips against his own and a Frito tinged tongue sweeping behind his teeth, wiry arms coiling around his shoulders, it’s a dream. Teeth bite his tongue and suck and suddenly it’s not. It’s not a dream, this is real life and this is Renjun in his lap. This is Renjun  _ kissing  _ him. He pulls back Renjun follows him but rests his forehead against Jaemin’s neck instead, puffing hot breath into the sensitive skin there. 

Jaemin clears his throat. “Uh, we don’t talk too much. We need to talk about this.”

“Fair.” Renjun mumbles, and then, “do I need to get off?” He probably should but Jaemin only squeezes him tighter. 

“No. Are you just doing this to get over Jeno? Am I a rebound?”

“No.” It’s vehement. “I thought I was at first, I, I don’t know I was worried that I was like, too, whatever I just.” Renjun takes a breath and blows the air out slowly. When the air hits Jaemin’s neck he shivers. He rubs up and down Renjun’s back, eventually Renjun is ready. He pulls back and looks at Jaemin. “I was worried at first. Because I’m not a great person. I’m not like you,” Jaemin’s heart breaks and he makes a noise, but Renjun continues, “I was worried I was just sad and I knew you liked me and that I was desperate,” Jaemin stiffens, but Renjun continues, “But then the feeling stayed. I haven’t thought of Jeno in a while. If I'm being honest I haven’t actually wanted Jeno in a while, but he, he really really fucked me up.” Renjun takes a breath, a measured one. “But I don’t want him. I want you Jaemin. I want to be with you.”

Jaemin closes his eyes. For the first time, he doesn't make himself look, doesn’t make himself watch what Renjun’s face is doing. It’s time to be vulnerable, but he can’t do it with his eyes open. “Renjun, I like you so much. I need this to be real.” Renjuns hands cup his face, warm and shaking slightly. 

“This is real Jaemin. I want you. I want you and I trust you and myself.” Jaemin opens his eyes, Renjun is right there. “Break my heart Jaemin Na do your worst, I can take it. I want this. I want you.” Jaemin leans forward, Renjun meets him halfway. Jaemin doesn’t think about all the years of wanting, he doesn’t think of all the waiting, he doesn’t think of rejection or hope. All he can think about is this, this moment. Renjun in his lap, Renjun nipping his lower lip, Renjun smiling into their kiss. 

Renjun is so dangerous. Jaemin likes him so much. 

**Author's Note:**

> [ Twitter (minors DNI)](https://twitter.com/translixie)   
>  [CC for yelling ](https://curiouscat.me/translixie)
> 
> [Jeno's Door Cat](https://cf.broadsheet.ie/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/ugly-cat-art1.jpg)  
> [Chenle's Door Cat](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcSEAbGf8l4DUECZepEM5aeo6hZlWq114diE_7uY-q_X4rOx-y7A&usqp=CAU)  
> Referenced Songs:  
> Art School - Remo Drive  
> Eat Shit (we did it) - Born Ruffians  
> Talk Too Much - Coin
> 
> I have been talking with Eli about Jisung having a medical single as a freshman for just an absurd amount of allergies for over a year and FINALLY it has a spot in a fic. This was the true reason for the third installment all along, closure for jeno and jaemins friendship? follow up on renmin? no, in this house we only care about allergy boy.


End file.
